Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.