There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
our love story in four pictures
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Encore…
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: