Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.