To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I put the mess in domestic.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”