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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
🤭😂
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.