My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?