Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
You Might Also Like
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
yeet
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”