I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.