[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
🤣🤣🤣
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him