What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.