8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
don’t be scared
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.