*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Customer is always right
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
🤣🤣
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.