The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Customer is always right
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.