Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)