Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*