cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
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I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.