Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
You Might Also Like
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Customer is always right
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
had to make it
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update