Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen