*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
the composer
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy