The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”