Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.