Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.