tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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Every photo I’m tagged in
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
What my back needs
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?