The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.