did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Dune (2021)
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman