Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
This was the best day of my life
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
“i am a sweet baby”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Need WebMD
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Based Erika
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant