Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.