Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice