Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
what day is it?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you