I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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Me: Same
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.