My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.