The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Straight people are cancelled
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I’m giving up for Lent.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No