Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.