My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
You Might Also Like
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Bro what is this
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I love art.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.