There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
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My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me