Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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Candid photo of me, eating chips.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
They’re called werewolves.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.