Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
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coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
being a writer on Twitter: