Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
*checks Timeline*…
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”