Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good