Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
God has abandoned us.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.