me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.