Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
do u think theres a butter planet?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.