A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?