Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!