I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
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BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
so i’m at the stock market right
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander