Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers