“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I put the hot in psychotic.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
same vibe as tangled headphones
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
🚲+physics = winner
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive