Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.