Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
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Truth. 😆😭😮💨
im all 3
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.