Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
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All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?